God, Grant Me the Willingness….

from the June 1996 San Diego A.A. Coordinator Newsletter

God, grant me the willingness just to be willing . . .” has prefaced so many prayers during my sobriety. Willingness, a character trait so easy to have when I have it, but when I don’t, can be the most elusive and the hardest to acquire.

Grant me the willingness to let go of my character defects seems to be the most elusive. This will probably never totally happen; however, from experience, I find great relief that these defects, at times, are softened; their corners seem a bit more rounded and sometimes they feel almost manageable. But then, out of nowhere, my willingness gives way and I find myself in the middle of the muddle of an old familiar defect, in all its full bloom glory, haunting me to the hilt. Back to the drawing board, “God, grant me the willingness just to be willing….”

Grant me the willingness to be humble. Again, what a wonderful feeling true humility can bring; but alas and alack I find this too, can be short term and elusive. At least I no longer must dwell in the unmeasurable amount of humiliation and degradation I used to allow myself to feel over anybody, everybody, anything, and everything. The willingness to have a new caring and respectful attitude for myself allows me to have it for others. When I’m not centered on self, when I put others first, and when I truly have love in my heart for fellow humankind, I feel deep gratitude. With gratitude I become humble. But then there’s the slip as I scream, “butthead,” on the freeway!  “God, grant me the willingness….”

Grant me the willingness to let go. To let go of obsessions of the mind and soul over resentment. To let go of worry and replace it with faith and trust. To live.in the now; frequently sweeping my side of the street; being able to say, “No”; letting go and letting God have control over my life, praying, “May your will be done in my life and may I be willing to accept it”; are all tremendous attributes in my life.

That is, until my thoughts run amuck, “I hate when this happens,” and I don’t laugh it off. I do not believe, in the overall scope of life, this tiny incident will mean absolutely nothing. No, I tuck it away and it festers and it festers. It’s then I revert to old stinkin’ thinkin’, and the resentment manifests itself inappropriately – at the wrong thing, the wrong time, the wrong person. “God grant me the willingness . . .”

Grant me the willingness to change my old attitudes and my old reactions towards people, places, things, and all of life. May I spend my time filling those voids with a positive outlook, striving to live my life as you would have me fully live it – in the most productive mode, and as happy, joyous and free as possible – always bearing in mind that you have forgiven me and all you ask of me is to forgive myself. May I accept life as it is. May I look at life’s challenges, painful as they may momentarily be, as nothing more than mere challenges forcing me to grow up just a little bit more. In the long run, each time they are lived through, challenges help to make the foundation of my sobriety just a little bit stronger.

God, grant me the willingness to faithfully go to meetings and always listen to fellow travelers who are trudging this road with me – for that is truly where I hear your voice speaking to me in a way that I can understand. May I remember and always be willing to give of myself and be of service to the downhearted who trudge along this road, and to the alcoholic who still suffers, for it is in giving it away that I am allowed to keep it. May I always be willing to do whatever it takes to stay on the recovery side of sobriety.

“God, grant me the willingness just to be willing….”

– Millie S., San Diego

It Works When We Work It

from the January 1993 AA San Diego Coordinator

The alcoholic mind outwits the alcoholic. I was in trouble; as soon as AA showed me the way out, I began looking for a way out of the way out. I was not willing to go to any length for the AA way of life. I was willing, however, to go to any length to give the impression that I was willing to go to any length. 

Phonies are like that: big production, no product. Convincing others I was getting well felt like getting well. A pretense of doing the Twelve Steps of recovery felt like recovery — until suddenly, I began to come down drunk.

In the shuddery, gooseburnpy craving for alcohol, I had a clear choice: Get honest or get drunk. A simple prayer of surrender was answered. In the beginnings of honesty, I took Steps One, Two, and Three. God alone could and did protect me from myself. The obsession with drinking went away. 

Since then, nine years and never a bad day in AA. (Some days are more mysterious than others.) Inventories, amends, learning experiences, yes, but never a bad day. Nearly died a couple of times, but our book doesn’t say anything about pneumonia it says it will show us a way to leave off our drinking habit. 

In large measure the promises of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous have come true, and for me there is a promise on every page. Especially, I like the shortest paragraph in the book (page 88): “It works it really does.” 

~ P.H.

“Practice” Is an Active Verb – A Plan for Living

from the April 1992 AA San Diego Coordinator

Sure the meetings are important. Sure, reading the Big Book is important. Sure, getting a sponsor is important.

But, what the old-timers told me was that most important of all is how I live in between the meetings They said it’s easy to be a nice guy at meetings but how do I act at home? How do I treat my wife and kids? How do I act at work?

They said the spiritual life is no theory; I have to live it. And that means practicing the principles of AA in all my affairs.

What an order! I don’t know if I can go through with it. But, fortunately the old-timers added that Step 12 says we try to practice the principles in all our affairs, which leaves me a loophole. All I have to do then, is to try and leave the results up to my Higher Power.

These old-timers insisted that even though I feel much better when I go to a meeting, this is not enough. Sobriety, they said, had very little to do with feelings. They said action is the magic word and the action that really counts takes place between meetings.

They said the 12 Steps are a plan for living, not just for discussion. They suggested I learn to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

Only by trying to carry the message and trying to practice the prin- ciples can I grow in sobriety and enjoy the Promises.

~ Anonymous

Frightened People

from the San Diego A.A. Coordinator, January, 2000

“Frightened People” 

“In my opinion, alcoholics are frightened people,” he said. But I knew he was telling the truth, at least about me. His name was Curt S. and he spoke those words at the Northport Group on Long Island, in the spring of 1961. I was just completing my 90 meetings in 90 days and was attending my first meeting on the Third Step. Curt had been sober ten years then. 

“Guys like me are scared of life. We are afraid of failure, and we can’t handle success. We must look good at all costs. Our pride won’t let us say ‘I don’t know’ or ask for help. We’ve always got to be in control.” Those were nor his exact words, bur his meaning was clear. Playing “Center of the Universe” without a Higher Power proved to be too much. I had to drink! 

One of the other guys said to Curt, “In that Third Step, you’re asking me to run my life and my will over to the care of God as I understand Him. Don’t you understand? I was brought up to maintain control. I can’t stop just like that! You’re asking the impossible!” 

That was exactly how I saw it. I was trapped in a vicious circle. I couldn’t depend on God, so I was drowning in a sea of booze. Yet if I wanted to stop drowning. I had to turn things over to Him. Then, my sponsor Joe C., with seven years of sobriety, chimed in. “That is not what the step says. It says, Made a decision. That’s the only action called for.” 

Curt agreed. The guys who wrote this step were in the same boat. That’s why the first paragraph in the Twelve and Twelve says willingness is the key. All we have to do is try.

Success was no longer the issue.  I couldn’t fail. For the first time, I understood. If I simply tried there was nothing to fear — not even the rest of the steps. 

Curt and Joe are still sober and active in the program. Because of guys like them, so am I! 

~ Jim McE

Step Four: Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves

from The San Diego AA Coordinator, January 2008

I am grateful for the ever-changing quality of the inventory I generate each time I do a fourth step. In the beginning of my sobriety, the process itself felt grueling and difficult. Having to pause long enough to cull through the worst of my behaviors and admit and account for each and every one of them felt painful and left me in a sea of remorse. I felt great sorrow for how my behavior hurt me and hurt many people whom I had injured or insulted. And too, I remember the kindness and compassion that was offered to me from others who had traversed this road and had learned from it, grown from it and had truly become better people for it.

I listened to their counsel, put one foot in front of the other, and made my way into a stronger, freer place in the world. There are times, as I continue in my sobriety and move through the steps again and again, that I realize the journey of the fourth step begins to feel easier, lighter. I have wondered, often aloud with my sister and fellow AAers, what the ‘right way’ was to take on a fourth step even after the ‘worst of’ the behaviors were behind me. And through my own repetition of this step and growing sense of belief in myself, I have evolved and broadened the essence of it.

Now, moving through a fourth step brings me a different kind of experience. I won’t go as far as saying ‘I look forward to it.’ No indeed. It still brings up angst and discomfort, but it is not solely distress and uneasiness that I encounter. For me, the fourth step calls up a more well-rounded look at who I am and how I show up in the day to day, and allows me to recognize the majesty in me. I get to see my strengths as well as my weaknesses, my light as well as my dark, my talents and accomplishments as well as my wavering and uncertainty. This is truly a grand process that takes me into a much larger grid where I know I am connected to something much larger. The wholeness of all of us journeying along as humans endeavoring to be our best selves is profound.

In this current process of my fourth step, I started by encouraging myself to take a look at all the places in my life that are working well. As I listed them, I sent a feeling of appreciation for each and every gift that I experience. It can be as simple as having connections with friends, family, co-workers, and other members of AA where camaraderie and care are shared. It can include the little moments of the day-to-day where I feel connected, share a smile with someone, open a door for another, or say a simple ‘thank you’ for a courtesy. And too, this list of what is working well includes the great accomplishments of landing a lucrative client, buy- ing a new product — big or small — that brings me pleasure or support. I appreciate them all. Once filled and surrounded with this frequency of appreciation, I am then strong enough to look honestly at what is not working so well, situations where I experience conflict, disappointment, or despair.

I create this second list on a separate sheet or in a separate column. I maintain as much appreciation as possible, and I call up compassion to help me stay steady and proceed as honestly and diligently as with the first list. At this stage of my sobriety, I no longer have the outrageously dreadful actions or behaviors that used to appear in my life. However, I treat even the smallest of issue sincerely — the argument I have with a loved one in which I say something destructive or unjust, the unkind thoughts I have when someone does something I judge or detest. I list them all, and along the way, I identify what lies beneath each of these short comings, so that I can see myself fully, hiding nothing. If I become despondent, I stop and get centered. Sometimes I can do this on my own, other times I need to reach out to another to regain my poise.

I resist the drama of thinking ‘I am so horrible.’ The power or the fourth step is to stay humble and compassionate about my humanness. I remind myself that no one of us is perfect; we stumble and fall. That’s simply part of being human. I make a contribution to myself and to the whole — the grid of life — when I stay in compassion and deep care, loving myself no matter what. And as we get stronger in our sobriety, our responsibility is to go far beyond ‘not drinking no matter what’ and resolve to show up each and every moment with our best self. To be fully ‘sober’ and strong in our recovery, we must use the gift of the fourth step that calls us to experience and express our whole self — yes, to admit and correct our flaws along the way — and too, to see and communicate the gold — our magnificence and our light. We do this for all to see and benefit from. That which restores one of us, exponentially heals us all.

Lindsay M.

A List

from the San Diego AA Coordinator, August 2020

A list, a list, oh where to begin...
Well, let the floodgates open and pick up a pen!

The book says I shall not regret the past, But will get through the guilt and be free at last.

I view my side of the street, So full of garbage -
And list each item I must acknowledge.

Willing to make amends to them all,
I see denying my part was a giant miscall.

Now with the list finally in my hands, 
Onto Step 9! And the “promises” lands.
      

Lisa Ann O.

Writing the Amends List

from the San Diego AA Coordinator, August 2020

Just after the finishing the Third Step Prayer, my sponsor, Carl, had me ask God for help with my Fourth Step information.  was simply praying to God to show me where I had been selfish, dishonest, resentful and fearful, then writing the answer as soon as it came from my deep inner self. (The Big Book mentions “the Great Reality deep within”—p 55) 

The Oxford Group—from hence came our Twelve Steps—called this practice “Automatic Writing.” I added more information later from memory, but at first it had to be spontaneous.

Once on this paper it could not be erased or altered, especially the harms I had done to others—not to forget employers, loan companies, etc.  About a week later, we were at Step Eight and much had been added to my harms I had done to others—not to forget employers, loan companies, etc.

About a week later, we were at Step Eight and much had been added to my list, especially from Step Five, thanks to my sponsor. The Step Eight information concerning the harms to others was right there on paper—remarkably simple—and there was no backing out!

Carl informed me that although I need to be willing to make amends to everyone on that list, there were certain amends that may harm others, and some may have been impossible to execute. 

What to do? I was told leave them on my Eighth Step list but be careful to follow the Big Book Step Nine instructions so as not to make another person’s life troublesome. How to know? “God gave us brains to use” (p. 86).

I must add that, as previously stated, I came awfully close to drinking about two weeks before starting the step process. Therefore, my sponsor told me that I could not rely on my mind to put truth on paper—after all, didn’t my mind almost lead me into a bar just two weeks before? He pointed out that I had a dishonest mind. He also said that he thought I was silly as a pet coon which I did not like very much. Ha.

I think it is important to realize that to follow the Big Book Step Eight directions I needed to realize that the Steps are in order for a reason. If I would have followed the temptation to make an amends list out of order, it would not have been nearly so effective. I would not have followed the Big Book’s “clear cut directions (p. 29).”  

I continue to thank God for providing me with a sponsor dedicated to the true AA program of action.

Bob S.

A Sense of Belonging

from the San Diego AA Coordinator, May 2020

It was with Step five when I felt that I became a real member of this fellowship. For the first time in a long time I had a true sense of belonging, I had earned my right to be here.

Until this Step I had taken a lot of unhealthy risks in my like and now it was time to take the biggest risk of all: acknowledging that I too had a lot of shortcomings and character defects, and then telling and confiding them with someone I could trust. I already felt horrible about myself and did not want to learn more or share it with anyone else.

Growing up in an alcoholic home, I was often too embarrassed to belong to anything. I would always project into the future that day my parents would show up, if they chose to show up at all, and embarrass me by being drunk; and of course, this happened often.

Because I accepted, I could not depend on my parents, I learned to be fiercely independent to care of all my needs, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I did not need people, authority figures or parents, and friends, I could take them or leave them. It is not that I really did not want those things because are the things I wanted most. It was just that I could not depend on them so I would never allow myself to trust them completely, to be there when I needed them to be, and this included God.

At first, drinking alcohol was magical. I immediately lost the coldness and cynicism of my personality and warmed up to people. People liked me, my parents liked me, and I then in turn could like myself. I felt cool for the first time and not an uptight goody-two shoes nerd. I did not know I would eventually hate myself even more for my alcoholism. In the end, I had already started to do all those things I hated in the alcoholics I had grown up with.

I spent my early 20s trying to control and enjoy my drinking and most of all fitting in. I was in college now, confused and crazy, trying to control my drinking by joining or not joining fraternities or other campus groups. I was now trying to control my alcoholism by living a neurotic life around not drinking and getting other people around me to not drink so I would not have to either. I did not see this as a desperate self-centered act and in fact often thought I was virtuous.
And though I knew I should not drink I was not completely convinced I was an alcoholic because I never crashed a car, got arrested, had a DUI, etc., or committed other heinous acts that some members have used to qualify for this program.

Well, at the age of 23, I walked into A.A. and have been here ever since; I will be 40 this August. In those years I have learned to suit up and show up, and not worry too much about results. I learned to get through college, including earning a master’s degree, without drinking and being part of the “in crowd.” I have fun belonging to this fellowship and all my closest friends are members of the program (I have non-program friends too!) It was with this group that I learned to share the exact nature of my wrongs, as well as with a few good sponsors. It was here that I began to learn the value of humility, growing up, and accepting that I could not be an island; that there were people on this earth I could depend on, have to depend on, and do. I continue to learn the I am not the Director and God is always in charge.

Today my life is not perfect though I am blessed far beyond my dreams. Today I have a loving God, a beautiful wife who is a great friend, many other sober friends, and a Labrador named Louie. I still have a lot of anxiety about “fitting in” especially at work where I still seem to make a mess for even trying. I still struggle between being too independent and being too desperate to “fit-in” with the crowd of the day; whoever and wherever they are. But I have not had a drink in over 16 years. Today, I have a fellowship of friends I can share my experience, strength and hope and love with, as well as my shortcomings and fears.

Steve P

But Wait, There’s More

from the San Diego AA Coordinator, May 2020

But wait, there’s more? I’d guess that’s probably what most people feel, hear, and experience when they get past Step Four (as if that Step isn’t enough).

Let’s assume for a moment that you do a thorough searching and fearless moral inventory. Coffee stained steno pad, a box of tissues used up and your writing hand is cramped and strained beyond measure. You’ve reread your list, weighed your defects against what you perceive is normal, and found yourself shell-shocked and completely drained. Lacking in humanity and petrified that you will drink.

Now what? Say these things out loud? To another human being? A live, breathing one, we ask? Can’t take this to the beach or the mountains and read it to the ether and call it good? Dang!

The Big Book and the 12&12 line out the potential consequences of doing it our way. We might have to make multiple attempts at cleaning up the murky aquarium mess of our past behaviors. We might be wise to remember that “past” is as recent as a moment ago. Not just ten years ago, one year ago or last month. If we drank for decades, we might have to dig a bit more; yet we ask for the willingness to use an emotional shovel that will mine peace at the end of the dig. Here we aren’t asking to be stripped of all responsibility or consequence, rather than find a new depth of personal acceptance.

Now the breathing part of whom do we trust? A sponsor or clergy? Someone else in the program we believe is closed-mouthed? We are careful not to box ourselves into what we should do, because every circumstance is a little different. As the book says, we do it.

Stop there. “We do it.” We decide and make a date and show up and say the words and breathe—in and out. We have written our truth to the best of our ability (in the moment) and now it is going to come out in myriad ways. Say a little prayer and remember this is one more step on the road to recovery. Not the end.

Dear Higher Power, please help me to live in “what’s now” and “what’s true,” rather than “what’s next” and “what if.” Thy will be done. Move on. Keep it simple. We deserve sobriety and peace and the chance to heal.

Anna O.

Thoroughness Ought to be the Watchword

From the San Diego AA Coordinator, April, 2020

When I attended my first AA meeting, I had no idea what the 12 steps entailed but at that meeting I heard the things that were read, and I heard people sharing about steps and, looking back on it now, I realized that I came away from that meeting a changed man.

My life took a 180% turn at that point and I have never been the same since. For the first time in my life I saw a refreshing new approach to living an all I had done, up to that point, was to show up and listen. From that day on, I’ve had a huge change of perception and I’ve learned to recognize faulty thinking and to find the answers to life issues as they were articulated by the collective sharing in that meeting.

While attending a step study meeting recently, we were on Step 4 and as each person shared their experience with what we had read, it occurred to me that the same thing was happening there that happened at my first meeting decades before. It seemed that many of the people were assimilating, into their thinking, the things we had read and talked about, and that it had influenced them in ways that they probably didn’t even realize at the time. I’ve heard people in the program, when attending structured step study meetings, say that there may be as many as 50 people at the meeting when they started on Step 1, but by the time they got to Step 4 they might be down to 12 people left in the room.

There seems to be something in Step 4 that their ego would not let them address, at the time. It appears they had reached a fork in the road. When this happens, I believe they may not be ready for Step 4 yet, and if they are hurried into it, they may start to search for an easier softer way. If they stay on the softer path for long, they may end up developing a half measures approach and they may waste many precious years, or worse, they may relapse and do irreparable damage that can’t be undone.

When I hear of a person who has a relapse after long term sobriety I often wonder if it was due to skimping on Step 4 and 5, which may lead to a superficial approach to the remaining steps. “Thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking inventory. “(12&12 pg.54)

I use the 4th step to illustrate what I mean when describing the way reading and hearing the things described in Step 4 are the things that we live with every day of our lives, and each time we cycle through them again, we realize that we have addressed some of these issues without being aware of it.

I’ve heard people who have not taken Step 4 yet using such terms as “Restraint of pen and tongue” or “Remove the word blame from my speech“ and, without realizing it, they are reducing their problems as the result of this different mindset. As long as they are honest about not being ready to take Step 4, it leaves the door open for the time when they are more confident, and they will be able to revisit this step and make a clean slate of it without feeling guilty about it.

I believe that the main reason why they wrote and published the 12 & 12 was because they did not want to establish a precedent of editing the big book, and they wanted to give amplifying information and examples of how to navigate the 12 steps. We can tell stories and drunkalogues of our drinking days and that’s fine, but if we don’t go through a meaningful process of addressing the causes and solutions to our problems and “The willingness to move forward “ (12&12 pg.54) We will be selling ourselves short, and life is much too precious to waste.

Rick R.