Change and Recovery

from the July 1996 San Diego AA Coordinator Newsletter

I had a spiritual experience May 3, 1996 on my lanai (patio) in Chula Vista, California, because I’ve changed, and so has my recovery. I’d said my prayers and taken my spiritual nourishment for the day. I was doing that “be still and know God” thing afterwards. I’m not real good at sitting still, so I try to practice listening for God while I’m being a human being, instead of a human doing.

My mind was resting when it occurred to me and I said aloud, “My husband does everything for me.” I heard this loud voice say, “Wrong.” Then I said, “I need a wife just like me.” Again the voice said, “Wrong” and “All you need is me.”

It was God, and I knew He’d spoken to me personally. I sat real still, looked around cautiously, and laughed out loud. My dogs, Face and TC, jumped up and smiled, barked and ran around me. They heard God too. It was so exciting. Just me, the dogs and God. Initially, my excitement made me feel wonderful. The next meeting I went to, I shared about my experience, and was glad the Round Up was going on, so it was a small meeting. I guess I thought not many people would believe me or would think me crazy.

I knew God talked to Moses and a few other people, but the last time I’d heard from my Higher Power was in treatment in Boone, North Carolina. I was detoxing and had one of those dreams where there were rivers of alcohol and mountains of cocaine. I was calling Jesus in a very demanding tone and as he laid his hand on my head, I was told to “Chill out.” This struck me as an odd thing for Him to say, but it was my experience and I treasure it.

Recovery has changed me. The process has been slow, but the more willing and open minded I become, the happier I get. After a few days I was out on the lanai again, thinking; God said I was wrong twice, better think about this. I’d been so excited before, now a few days later I realized I better change my thinking. My husband does a lot for me, but not everything, so that was wrong. I’m a heterosexual woman married to a wonderful man. So I don’t need a wife just like me. Where did this thinking come from?

Straight from my pity pool. I have an abundance of most things, so I have a pity pool, not a pot. I’d been doing a lot of hard work in the yard, was trying to refinish my hardwood floors and get a small business going. So naturally I was feeling way sorry for myself.

As soon as I got grateful, my perception of the situation changed. My reality in sobriety is far greater than anything I fantasized in active alcoholism and addiction.

Recovery has changed me drastically. In January, I took a new sobriety date because I’d relapsed. Though I didn’t drink, it was only by the grace of God, and my six years of recovery in A.A.

I’d caught myself lying, in denial and out of control. This is not part of my recovery, so I was in relapse. This may be extreme, but the risk of losing the freedom recovery in A.A. has given me made me start over again. My spiritual experience was the beginning of my process of awakening. Only the extremist can see both sides and be satisfied with the middle.

I’m in the middle of a wonderful, loving, and supportive family. I don’t want to miss a moment of the music by not making the changes to sing life’s song. Life on life’s terms will do for me.

– Barbara S., Chula Vista

A.A. and Spirituality

from the May 1996 San Diego A.A. Coordinator Newsletter

At a recent speaker’s meeting, a gentleman came up to me who has many years of sobriety. He asked, “Do you know who is the most important at an AA meeting?” I asked, “Who is that?” He answered, “God is the most important at an AA meeting.”

I agree with my friend; it’s so important to be connected to the source and power behind all meetings, and to find some meaning to our existence. I call this source God and l often use the term “spirituality” when I share. The problems recovering people have with spirituality are misunderstandings. They think that to be spiritual you must do exactly as the old-timers have done for years, or you must measure up to a certain expectation that other people are going to place upon you.

To get a better idea of spirituality, remember Bill’s words in the chapter “We Agnostics,” “To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p.46) I have found as many ways to spirituality as there are people in AA. Some people read the Bible, others worship upon looking at the ocean, and some find God in the little things they do for their loved ones.

Why is this important? Step Three requires that you seek a power greater than yourself: this is the way out of selfishness. Step Eleven places great emphasis on prayer and meditation. In order to have lasting sobriety you must allow this and all the steps to change you from within.

You don’t have to be perfect to enjoy a spiritual method of recovery. The Twelve Steps are general enough for anybody to understand, and they’re powerful enough to keep any alcoholic sober. So whether you are a “groupie” who loves to see the same friends at meetings. a student who finds time for a meeting between classes, or a professional who likes to catch a lunch meeting. you are welcome at AA.

I like the idea of getting spirituality through imitation. By the time I arrived at AA, I had long since left my childhood beliefs behind. So I learned by the inventories others suggested to me and by helping newcomers in some of AA’s many outreaches.

The benefits of a spiritual program are immeasurable: above all, a unity with others and a peace of mind that not only keeps you sober but will come back to you during life’s trials. I’ve lost a mother and sister since I’ve been in AA, but my reliance upon God insured my willingness to stay in meetings.

The essence of spirituality is care and compassion for others. I’ve found good AA meetings to be those with loving people. And if you’re struggling with God’s plan for you, Keep Comin’ Back until you understand the Steps for yourself.

– Donna G., East San Diego

Adventures in Sobriety

from the April 1996 San Diego A.A. Coordinator Newsletter

One of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves is open mindedness. It was easy for me to appear to have an open mind in the beginning of my sobriety. So desperate for relief, from myself and my disease, I eagerly accepted what others told me to do and, not judging too harshly who they were or what they said. This attitude began to change after the obsession to drink had been lifted and my life had become more stable. It was then I began to stagnate.

I won’t say it was a downward spiral because it would be untrue, and I’d be selling myself and this program short. But I would be lying if I told you I’ve always given people and ideas the benefit of the doubt they deserve. I’m human and have as many or more character defects as the next person. Yet the beauty of being a human being is that we can change the parts of ourselves that have caused us, and others pain in the past. I knew it was time for an overhaul of the stagnant ideas and limiting attitudes which had crept back into my life.

It was with this in mind I woke up one Sunday morning a few months ago and decided to go to a Buddhist Temple. I don’t believe the decision was mine. I feel it was God’s way of kickin’ me in the arse. Raised in an Irish Catholic family, my parents didn’t exactly shove eastern philosophy down our throats. One can only guess or assume where my attraction to eastern thought came from. But, if there is one thing I’ve learned in sobriety, it’s to listen to that little voice inside me known as ‘intuition’.

I looked up the number of one of the local temples and called. The woman at the other end of the line confirmed that yes indeed they were having a meditation service that day. When I asked more questions, she told me to “just show up.” It kind of reminded me of talking to my sponsor. So as any good sponsee would do, I showed up.

Filled with fear and apprehension, I pulled up to the building. Being alcoholic, I’m used to dealing with that. The word scaring me the most wasn’t “Buddhist” or “temple.” It was “meditation.” This was the one thing I’d been avoiding since I sobered up. I don’t know if it’s because my brain and body never seen to want to sit still, or because I used to meditate all the time in my room when I was younger. (Of course, my version of meditation involved burning incense, a bottle of Absolut and a bowl or two of hashish.) I knew I was going to have to be still with myself for an extended period, and that was something I knew was going to be tough. I wanted the outcome, but I wasn’t too thrilled about doing the work to get it.

As it turned out, part of the Buddhist service was a half hour of sitting meditation. Let me repeat that. A half hour of sitting meditation! My nose itched, my back muscles spasmed and my right leg fell asleep about ten minutes in. But I made it through without freaking out, or disrupting anyone else. I actually enjoyed the time alone with myself. The realization hit me hard that my fear of who I am, who I’ve been and who I can become was one of the main reasons I hid in alcohol and drugs. I’d actually gotten calm enough during the meditation time to have an insight into my own makeup. It’s not really something that hasn’t crossed my mind before. Yet this time it was on a different level. It struck my soul. As I left the temple, I found a sense of peace I can’t recall having since admitting that I am powerless over alcohol.

I return to temple often. I’m not a Buddhist. I’m not Catholic. I’m an alcoholic who is searching out a spiritual life anywhere I’m led. I find — when I don’t get in my own way with fears, doubts and prejudices — I’m shown the most amazing things in the most amazing places. Be true to yourself, be true to your higher power and keep an open mind.

– John G, San Diego

KFUQ! Radio

One of the things about sobriety is that it gives you an opportunity to clear your head a bit. I was just talking to a new man this morning about the very same subject. We seem to begin by going through detox; then, a pink cloud; then, general satisfaction with alcohol no longer causing us legal trouble or otherwise (for that couple/three months we’re initially dry); then…..aw, crap.

I’m still me, I still have problems—some of which I was only dimly aware of before—and now my head is chattering again. “Hey kids, it’s your amigo, Ego, here playing ALL your favorite fear, self- loathing and resentment tunes ALL day and ALL of the night on KFUQ! Radio F—— YOU! Now, here’s a golden oldie that’s back in the top 5 once again, ‘Lost My Job, Lost My Kids, Lost My Car Keys’!”

We first begin practicing compassion with the newcomer. That is the first opportunity we have to do 12th Step work, even before we begin to sponsor those who specifically ask up for our help. We don’t need to be practicing the AA Principles in all our affairs yet; or, even gone through any Steps. We began our AA journey by being welcomed warmly. We came in absolutely destroyed, many of us. Jobless or about to become so; kicked out of our homes or about to be; physically ill and shaking; and, thoroughly termite-ridden with shame. It mattered not. Our new friends showed us compassion. They did it with handshakes, hugs and, most importantly, by sharing stories that demonstrated they understood—bone deep understanding—what we were experiencing. The Latin etymology of compassion is “co- suffering”. Essentially, in common parlance, active compassion is the desire to alleviate another’s suffering. When we see the newcomer, we see ourselves: what we were when we arrived; and, what we could easily become again.

We may not have much recovery, but, we’re certainly “better off than that guy,” at the moment, anyway. So, we reach out. It’s easier with newcomer/fellow sufferers. For those of us with some time under our belt, KFUQ still comes in occasionally, usually late at night; but, it’s fuzzy and not being pumped out at 50,000 watts. The suffering alcoholic, though, is certainly NOT on the AA beam and is trapped inside their own head with KFUQ coming in loud and clear. Some of these sufferers…..they’ve been coming in and out of the rooms for years. You know them. I know them. They just won’t get with St. Francis of Assisi and ask God to make them a channel of His Peace. I have seen people over the years smugly receive these people back into a meeting. I’ve witnessed shaming on occasion. I’ve seen people act compassionately to their face only to character assassinate them behind their back (I see one of those guys in the mirror every morning). I have also seen many of those people die.

Compassion is one of our spiritual tools. It has to be used to become useful. It’s also one of those tools that cannot really be used by itself. It can be so easy to grow cynical and reject the suffering retread (even the term “retread” sounds disparaging and heartless). We cannot demonstrate compassion to these sufferers unless we are practicing humility. We cannot practice humility unless we also practice the spiritual tools of patience, kindness, tolerance and love in our daily lives. In order to use these tools, we must ASK for them. They need to become part of our prayer and meditation on a daily basis. We must learn to make the self- reflection of the 11th Step a part of that daily ritual.

Instead of condemning the continually suffering alcoholic, we can look at our own lives; see where we are, perhaps, practicing some of the same character defects as that person (they don’t say, “if you spot it, you got it” for no reason, after all). If you’re angry at them for the same reasons for which you’re still condemning yourself, ask God to direct your thinking about how to improve; meditate on it. Then, pray for them. Everything that you wish for yourself, pray that it be bestowed unto them. Finish by asking God to make you a channel of His peace, that you might better practice compassion. That’s a much better station to tune in to.

~ Joey K.

from the San Diego AA Coordinator, January, 2020